Just When I Thought the Navy Couldn't Get Any Worse It Totally Redeems Itself.....Or Not!

Well, I finally finished my flight physical today. I arrived at NOMI (Naval Occupational Medical Institute, or some other version that means the same thing) at 0730 to get checked out by the flight surgeon. I was pleasantly surprised to hear my name called a few minutes after I arrived, which was good because the bass fishing magazine had quickly lost my interest. I went back into the doc's office and she asked me various questions about my health. There was another doc in the office and I was afraid that she was going to break some bad news to me when I walked in, but as it turned out the other doc was getting qualified to be a flight surgeon. I was more than happy to have my examination completed by someone who didn't know what they were doing...I figured she (yeah, female doctor for a fairly invasive exam) would miss anything wrong with me. After my (cough) exam she went back to the other doc who signed off on my "up-chit" allowing me to begin flying. I was out of there in about 30 minutes and beginning to feel that the Navy wasn't so bad after all...that's where they get you. They wear you down, make you feel comfortable, and then hit you with another round of inane tasks. More on that later.
I had another appointment at 1300 (1 p.m. for you none military types or reservists) so I killed time browsing the exchange and getting lunch. I also went over to the Coast Guard Liaison Office and filled out paperwork to change my residency to Florida, the land of no state income tax. Take that Maryland!
I headed over to my appointment at NAMI (Naval...ummm...it doesnt really matter, does it?...medical institute) and reported promptly at 1300. I filled out some paperwork about my background and sat down at the computer. I was intrigued about this test because all we had been told was that it was a multi-tasking test. On the left side of the computer monitor they had a jet throttle and on the right side was a joystick. I was hoping that I was going to fly an F-18 into a dogfight with boogies all over the sky and maybe shoot them down. Better yet maybe we would all be pitted against each other and we would shoot each other down? It was a big mistake to get my hopes up, big. The first phase of the test was just a spatial recognition test, where you basically see the view from an airplane and you just figure out if it's diving, climbing, in level flight, turning, or a combination. I finished that quickly and moved on to the next task. This is where it started to get ridiculous. I should have known that it would go downhill quickly because the test was taking place in the psychiatric department. The next phase was a little airplane, shown with Atari graphics (if you're under the age of 20-25 just think Donkey Kong or some other basic Nintendo game). It moved constantly and you had to move the throttle up or down to follow the plane with your gunsight. It should've been pretty easy but the throttle would go from slow to incredibly fast with very little movement, which made me feel like I was incompetent. The next test was a hearing/multitasking test where you had to listen to the headphones, and they would call out number and letters in both ears, but you would only answer for one ear at a time. You would pull the trigger on the joystick for an even number and "shoot a missile" in your left hand for an odd number. It was actually pretty fun with the numbers and letters coming in both ears and trying to focus on just one ear. The next test was just following a plane with the cursor with the joystick, which proved to be impossible. I know that I wasn't the only one having trouble because I watched some of the Navy ensigns doing it and they also looked lost.
I thought it couldn't get more ridiculous...again, wrong. The next test took the listening, following with the throttle, and following with the joystick and you had to do all three at the same time. It was so ridiculous I started laughing a little bit. They then added "warnings." You would have a fire, instrument, or propeller warning and have to follow the emergency procedures, which you had to memorize quickly before the test. That part actually went pretty well but I still couldn't follow the plane on the screen with my throttle, or the other plane with the joystick. I finished the test and thought I was done. Again, wrong.
The next phase was 140 questions where I was presented with 2 statements and had to chose which one was more like my personality. The problem was with the questions. "Would you cheat on procedures if your boss wasn't around" or "I often show up late for work." So, I'm either a cheater or I'm lazy? "I rarely ever exercise and need someone to motivate me" or "I often make hasty decisions without thinking of the consequences." So I'm either fat and out of shape, or I'm rash and make stupid decisions? I finished that test, only to have to take another 94 question test...that had the same questions that the 140 question version had. One Navy ensign finished before me, despite showing up late. He was gaming the system by just clicking randomly and not reading the questions. He finished and The proctor knew exactly what was happening too. She looked up at him and said, "done? You must've just clicked through without reading, huh?" The Navy ensign was pretty proud of his work and was clearly happy to have cheated the system. Again, big mistake. He left and went to the auditorium to check out with the guy in there. I felt a little dumb for subjecting myself to these inane questions, but luckily I was almost done.
I finished my test and went to the auditorium to check out, only to find the Navy ensign filling out yet another personality test. I figured that was his punishment and went to check out with the guy up front, only to find myself filling out another 100 question personality test. I finished the test, turned it in and was expecting to leave (at this point that was 334 questions, surely I was finished?) only to be given another test. I asked the guy how many tests he had and when I could go, he just replied "I have 30 tests, but we won't finish them all in the time we have today." "Well," I said, "how much time do you have?" "Until 1515." Great. At this point I was more than a little tired of the Navy. The questions were pretty ridiculous on these tests as well. "Do you wash your hands after handling raw meat." Yes, I have common sense. "Do you often get angry easily?" No, but you're treading on the line with all of these questions. I finally decided to go with the old ABCDCBABCD strategy, but when he looked at it he just handed me a fresh sheet and told me to do it again. I figured I wasn't losing anything by doing it again because he was just going to keep me there until 3:15 anyway. Well, I finally finished my third test in that room (up to 534 questions at that point) and was handed one final sheet. This one had questions about prior military experience, whether you were USCG/USN/USMC/USAF, etc. The final part was this gem: "Do you grant NAMI permission to use these results to conduct research?" NO!!!!

Boy, I really like the Coast Guard right now.